Chronicles of Granola and Honey

As i know, love, it was my birthday last week! Just yesterday I shared a beautiful day with my family at Tia Socorro’s birthday and with my friends at my own celebration in a coffe place!

I shall say I’m very happy and blessed to have all those people besides me in live, some of wich I know love me truly and dearly, and are there for me and rooting for me.

I shall say, as you know, I did sometimes feel uncertain of having friends, or good ones, when I was going trough my teenage years – something that I thought would define me for ever.

But now I see that life is away so much bigger than this – and what you aspire will be what you inspire. I teach my eyes and my mind to reach for those whose love is certain and easy, and still delight myself with those new connaissances with whom I might share a laugh.

I see all the ways my life has intertwined, and that trying to keep an old and fated narrative into it might be the most damaging thing one can do to one self

I shall release myself everyday from this poor narrative that keeps me stuck from time to time, and open up to the new possibilities of me. I pray I keep finding ways of doing so – and letting life unfold before me as it must.

A pray for you, a pray for me – hope for all the best we can always see. ❤

lovingly,
29 years old me.

So upset to be let down
I had to fight for my life this days
Doesn’t sounds nice and doesn’t feels nice.

I’ve not been feeling like I get what I need from this guy.
I wondered if it was me. I don’t feel like it right now.
From all the things above and behind, all the misteries that tend to hide,
I’ve comee across something unkown, unseen, unwanted.

I don’t feel better when I’m with you.

I might have a lot of problems myself, but you don’t give me nearly enough what I need to flourish and I would rather be alone.

You didn’t write me a message for the first anniversary, didn’t try to easy my pain with food or medicine, didn’t make an effort to see me in the timing I could after weeks sick to see some pants, didn’t texte me news from the place you were spending the weekend, didn’t give me the present as much as I asked you too that I would make me happy in advance to have it before hand. You said you was the last to send a message. You didn’t hear my voice message. You didn’t ask how I was doing the day of the party you went.

I feel more alone when I’m with you.

flowing in and flowing off
I get glimpses of my life and then they go away

For life I say the moments out of time, just beeing, patins at beira-mar, listening to this sad alt-j song, remembering my friend mateus that passed away last year.

Didn’t my grandpa pass away just last year too?

I wasn’t feeling sad before this song,

Well, I was going to write of how happy i’ve been if how y work is doing well, it means so much to me and previously it was just a dream.

Can I dream?

Can things be good afinal de contas?
I felt so pretty in the new dress at Camile’s birthday this samedi, i flowrished;
I felt like my self. That strong self and looks around as if the world is ready to love her.

Things have been weel, i have been trying new things.
I hope I pass by here more often.


You know I feel like not myself if I’m away from my quiet self for to long.
Wish you the best, hope you que descover with me all the good thing that are coming to be
real

For all that time along for all the things that have been trying to scape me
and I haven’t let them.

A bitter taste inside my mouth, head drainend, love drained, fear all over.

I have been wanting some time for myself for too long.
Things are better now and you can trust it.

Don’t be grabbing into feeling bad, feeling anxious, when it’s gone.

I need myself to use less the phone, less the personal instagram, less the mind.
For today I can breath.

I don’t need that boy to me talking to me to ease anything.
I’m in on myself.
I’m here.

Lala, you have been dwelling for far too long.
You have been stressing and worrying without letting it out.

I see this new partnership is wheter worrysome.
It has me worrying all along.

I feel this pressure inside my chest, I have been giving now some place to let it out, some window, some faith, I have to do things in my own time, in my own vibe, in my own place.

I shall respect the one and only thing I am.
I don’t know the future, I don’t know the past, maybe even I don’t know the present, but I’m here.

Where else would I be supposed to be?

I feel a little lighter in my chest, a little pressure in my mouth.
I feel a little charge in my breath, but I can write never the less.

I’m here for me and for a while I haven’t been.
Feel what you need today, and that’s all there shall be.

We small talk here and there,

I get lonely and I get needy, I feel like an outsider, watching others doing well what they know how to. I feel a little frightened that everyone would find out how I’m actually feeling, so frightened, so petite, so aware of what people might see or think.

I get some shyness from time to time or in some enviroments, and I think it’s ok.
It’s new to me to assume that I’m ok with this, or even thinking I’m ok with this.
I might over-do in order to “cure” it or to hide it, to make it go away or stop interfering – but I also get hurt, and over-doing and I don’t listen as well to myself.

I might get over tired, over worried, over scared, over over over, going really fast scared to stop.

Today I stopped, I felt tired, I felt liking watching series. I wanna deal better with this, with envy and with loneliness. I think I can. I have been improving.

It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last, but anyways it gives me space to see and to take care of myself. I think I might ready today, who would guess?

I’m proud of the small changes I have been making.

One think I might still look foward to is getting back at my previous weight, I think I about 6 kilos away, which is very achivable. Should I do some nutricionist thing? Should I go see someone?

I thinking waiting myself every week could be usefull – but also is frightening.
I would like to improve my eating in terms of: anxiety-eating, previous-energy-demand-eating, boredom-eating, fear eating and emotional or physical exhaustion eating. There’s some point when I see “food can’t help me here” and then I get to the actual thing, but before that, it’s more blurry like. And also after.

I wanna eat better and change what I eat before I get too sick of it. I want to be in control of my eating. I would like having, at least for a while, the same meals planned for the week. Maybe I’ll try this one.

but also a lot of it by not doing so.

I shall stop now for today, as there is no right-er or wrong-er of way of doing this.
I much like writing, althought I also much judge it and feel anxious by it, for seeing myself.
I like to pull all of it out, as once I did with meditation, other time with drawing, that other with series and maybe now with series and sports.

Not really about how I was once I was younger, but who I am in who I am now.
I can see all the times I rushed into going out as it would save me,
I can seel all the times I felt into watching series hoping it would save me.

Maybe I’m one of both worlds.

Rushing into the fear of not being alone or not being able to do what I want or must, this pulls me in one or other direction. I would like to be more aware of it and to deal with it better, one step at a time.

Hopefully not blaming that child, but trying to understand her, or just, who she is now.
What she wants, what scares her, what she can actually do, what she can not.
What shall she pressures her to do, what shall she not.

Everytime I read here I find a peace of myself I had been leaving unseen.
Of yet unseen.

I’m of prose and poetry.
Only one of those, eventually, sufocates me.

The action in mistake.

everybody is doing their best even when they stumble into mistakes.

for ever once in a while I had felt, I needed to be away and mine alone.

for the paces os the steps rolling through the day make shadows on the celling that tells me im missing out on ‘how should be’. and it tells me, by the ear, it’s a compromisse i have to fullfill and it all with all of me alone.

I felt like everything was on me, good or bed, and then I couldn’t handle any one of those.
By the sound on the ear i assume, it’s too far away to be far to let go.

I try by all the means to undestand, as my emotional body was already depleated from some battles i had before.

those battles matter to me the most once they go me at my worst – and then, this little rocket shutted down into my face, got all the attention it wantted and depleated my soul of looking to what she was before.

It ain’t easy, when it goes too fast.

i felt i had to program the rest, otherwise i would be lonely and sad.

i have already done so much recently

a friend is not a commitment, its a possibility.

i felt overwhelmed with every possibility of going out – including none.

……. I’m gonna listen to what I told juan, and Im going to write things down in here. one at a time.

I love my work. I love the steps of things. let it be said.here we go:

• me sentindo sem amigos
• só saindo com contatinhos
• sem programas pro fds
• fui pro bar q a jessika tava, tinha q fazer algo
• <> nesse momento minha tensão e minha ansiedade já estão bem altas, e já estou com dificuldade de querer parar <>
• grupo de pessoas desconhecidas, dor de tensão, medo de não conseguir socializar, uma parte de mim dizia “essas são as pessoas q tem amigos e programação e eu não sou uma delas” ; embora eu já tenha saído muito em fases da minha vida, é como se dentro de mim essa não fosse eu, e sim algo q eu tenho q ficar criando senão vai sumir e eu vou ficar só.
• quando eu fico só, pode ressoar pelo lado de que eu me sinto incapaz de estar acompanhada, de fazer e de criar amigos
• dormir lá – comprar ficar cansada para aproveitar o dia seguinte
• estar com as meninas e o bel no empório da tapioca me fez muito bem
• chamar os amigos para sair
• a menina q tava igual a mim – vejo q não estou só e que não é uma deficiência
• fiquei timida travada no momento
• consegui fazer algumas amigas
• mas eu sinto q forcei minha baladeira emocional por não acreditar q merecia aquilo então quis forçar ter
• david disse q eu n me afasto, eu so pareco já me garantir nos rolês

I feel the anxiety building up as I sit in front of this computer.
I’ve found out that one of the hardest things I’ve been going through is being alone is this room working for so long;

I have some images of how university used to be; and yes I got through some real tough phases while I was in there, even harder phases then now; but I also remember how was it to have some other place to go, to see some other people, to do some other things, to feel life open.

I’ve decided to take an online singing class today and I feel anxious about it too;
I don’t know what to expect and how to respond; I don’t know if I will persue this lessons – because of the money needed, and the time, and my own frustrations; Also, it’s another thing at home. I can’t do this anymore.

Too much home time is no good.

I’m calming myself to go through what I need to go through in regards of my business; but if there’s something I can do away, I would much rather to.

Also, I’ve been thinking about my Christimas and my vacation. I’m used to be living and feeling good things in this seasons and now I looks so uncertain; I feel like greeving the loss of something that was always a good guide to balance myself.

I think I’ll have to find some new things for myself.
Like, what would I like to do for christmas in order not to get really sad all days?
What will I like to do for the New Year’s Eve?

I’ve been long defined by the duatily of having or having-not.
Other friends or money; Or things or places; Or oportunities or fun.

But then life continues to pass and I’m alright.
I’m better the alright. By now, I’m doing really well.

So this duality, or this place I see myself from, or this lenses through wich I deal with my difficult feelings; are now showing they’re unreal.

It circles and it keeps me going to things I do like; But it circles and keeps me going in the idea that I have not; that I’m missing something; that something is missing in me.

If I’m living this life of mine for once and for all, I want it to be mine.
I don’t want to keep distracting or tracking my self through those checkpoints.

I think surfing, and singing;
I want new dimensions of me to contact with the world.
If things change, things change.

Certo, me cruzou a mente a ideia de que eu vou ficar bem – que pelo caminho, eu vou poder comprar meus sushis, pagar minhas contas e que a vida vai seguir em sua maior parte plana e calma.

Que eu não preciso estar com medo da ruína o tempo todo.
Eu ainda tenho medo de não conseguir fazer o que eu já faço.*
*Eu poderia estar contente e animada por como as coisas estão funcionando, no entanto, estou com medo de não conseguir dar conta, ou que as coisas desapareçam¹
¹ Maybe I’m just crossing a border. ²
² Eu sei que eu não devo me ‘impor’ estar feliz como uma medida de funcionamento, ao mesmo tempo, o quanto de não estar feliz fala sobre mim?

É importante também dizer que eu tenho medo não só por tê-lo, mas por julgar também que sem ele eu poderia cair no comodismo e criar minha própria ruína por não estar constantemente atenta e me preparando para lidar com adversidades.

Ao mesmo tempo, esse estado constante de medo e temor me causaram já alguns burnouts – então eu preciso poder acreditar que posso viver sem ele sem me causar danos no futuro.

Eu sinto também que, da mesma forma que meu corpo me forçou a parar mais que produzir no último 1 mês e meio – e de forma bem drástica e não-saudável – eu poderia me permitir o mesmo de tempos em tempos, para evitar que isso ocorra de novo.

Eu quero ver as coisas de forma mais segura e positiva, mas temo estar sendo ingênua.
Eu quero funcionar tranquilamente, mas temo perder visão do que já me ‘quebrou’ pela terceira vez e chegar a bater lá de novo.

…

Mostly, this text was to say:

I finally see now the idea of life as a place of calm.
And that, when I’m able to relax when things are good, I’ll be able to adress adversities in a health way whenever they come my way.

For now, things are fine.

🙂