That’s no easy task for me;

I feel the anxiety building up as I sit in front of this computer.
I’ve found out that one of the hardest things I’ve been going through is being alone is this room working for so long;

I have some images of how university used to be; and yes I got through some real tough phases while I was in there, even harder phases then now; but I also remember how was it to have some other place to go, to see some other people, to do some other things, to feel life open.

I’ve decided to take an online singing class today and I feel anxious about it too;
I don’t know what to expect and how to respond; I don’t know if I will persue this lessons – because of the money needed, and the time, and my own frustrations; Also, it’s another thing at home. I can’t do this anymore.

Too much home time is no good.

I’m calming myself to go through what I need to go through in regards of my business; but if there’s something I can do away, I would much rather to.

Also, I’ve been thinking about my Christimas and my vacation. I’m used to be living and feeling good things in this seasons and now I looks so uncertain; I feel like greeving the loss of something that was always a good guide to balance myself.

I think I’ll have to find some new things for myself.
Like, what would I like to do for christmas in order not to get really sad all days?
What will I like to do for the New Year’s Eve?

Bublee bottle Bublee do;

I’ve been long defined by the duatily of having or having-not.
Other friends or money; Or things or places; Or oportunities or fun.

But then life continues to pass and I’m alright.
I’m better the alright. By now, I’m doing really well.

So this duality, or this place I see myself from, or this lenses through wich I deal with my difficult feelings; are now showing they’re unreal.

It circles and it keeps me going to things I do like; But it circles and keeps me going in the idea that I have not; that I’m missing something; that something is missing in me.

If I’m living this life of mine for once and for all, I want it to be mine.
I don’t want to keep distracting or tracking my self through those checkpoints.

I think surfing, and singing;
I want new dimensions of me to contact with the world.
If things change, things change.

Acho que vai ser a primeira vez em português por aqui;

Certo, me cruzou a mente a ideia de que eu vou ficar bem – que pelo caminho, eu vou poder comprar meus sushis, pagar minhas contas e que a vida vai seguir em sua maior parte plana e calma.

Que eu não preciso estar com medo da ruína o tempo todo.
Eu ainda tenho medo de não conseguir fazer o que eu já faço.*
*Eu poderia estar contente e animada por como as coisas estão funcionando, no entanto, estou com medo de não conseguir dar conta, ou que as coisas desapareçam¹
¹ Maybe I’m just crossing a border. ²
² Eu sei que eu não devo me ‘impor’ estar feliz como uma medida de funcionamento, ao mesmo tempo, o quanto de não estar feliz fala sobre mim?

É importante também dizer que eu tenho medo não só por tê-lo, mas por julgar também que sem ele eu poderia cair no comodismo e criar minha própria ruína por não estar constantemente atenta e me preparando para lidar com adversidades.

Ao mesmo tempo, esse estado constante de medo e temor me causaram já alguns burnouts – então eu preciso poder acreditar que posso viver sem ele sem me causar danos no futuro.

Eu sinto também que, da mesma forma que meu corpo me forçou a parar mais que produzir no último 1 mês e meio – e de forma bem drástica e não-saudável – eu poderia me permitir o mesmo de tempos em tempos, para evitar que isso ocorra de novo.

Eu quero ver as coisas de forma mais segura e positiva, mas temo estar sendo ingênua.
Eu quero funcionar tranquilamente, mas temo perder visão do que já me ‘quebrou’ pela terceira vez e chegar a bater lá de novo.



Mostly, this text was to say:

I finally see now the idea of life as a place of calm.
And that, when I’m able to relax when things are good, I’ll be able to adress adversities in a health way whenever they come my way.

For now, things are fine.

🙂

I gotta realize it’s a blessing even when it doesn’t present itself like one any m0re;

You see, for we get so easily used to things…
I just took a warm shower in the middle of the afternoon after some online-Yoga.
It might not be the beach-Yoga I was also thinking about – wich I can ajust my schedule to be able to attend it someday, anyway.

The thing is… it’s such a blessing to be able to work from home, or from anywhere.
To take a shower, to rest, to make me some food.
Every scenario might have it’s own positive, I suppose.
Nevertheless, I’m living in a damn good one I shall take some time to appreciate more often.

🙂

I don’t know what I would decide then,

Hey therethere, I’m here again!
So, last time I was here, I was one or two burnouts behind from… well, now.

So… here I’ve got myself again.
Needless to say it was awful again.
It’s better when I know it will go way, for sure, and when you are less terrified about the possibility of it coming back again for, well… the third time feels more familiar anyway.
You feel more confident that this will go away and that maybe, this time, that won’t be a 4th time.

I’vo got to stop looking life through the same leens. It’s, in a way, killing me.
Maybe I’ve got to find it out for myself again – all over again.
Maybe I just really need to let go of the ideas that I hold as a purpose.

You see, I find myself scarried about “what will I use as a decision making then?”, “how will I know I’m doing what’s right?”, “How will I keep myself from hurting my future, from ‘ruining’ my future?”

It does seem a lot of pression, doesn’t it?
The thing is: it has to change. My present has been hurted by the 3th time now.
My health has suffered quite a lot.

I’m scarried of making a new routine again – I feel afraid I might burn myself out again, or that I would be too obsessed and loose track, or that I would be going in the wrong direction.
It’s scarry but I have to do things differently from now on.

So, if I could teel you, I would tell you to..:

– Keep writing ; it focus the mind without giving it a right or wrong. without a goal.
– Keep painting ; you love making space for your emotions, even though you might be shimmering or shivering just before for fear of making it wrong or it being a bad use of time.
– Get frequently some time to meditade ; for then, even if it isn’t all you were expecting, it won’t be long passed from one time to the other, and things will be less acumulated.
– Do pay attetion to your body ; it means to go for rest, to go for a walk, to go catch some sunlight, and I also think it means getting thin again¹
– Do some group activity ; it hasn’t be nice to you to be alone for so long as a solo entrepreneur, knowing you will have some group time without gettint desperate for some meeting at the weekends will be good for you.
– Try that singing lesson ; I think that having something you love to do, for yourself, and that you’ve always longed to will be very suiting for your hapiness and peace.
– Get some positive readings ; you see, when mind fluctuates, it often gets lost in bad places just for the habit, even though they are true or not.


¹ You see, after this burnout, I realised I don’t want to get thin for others, I want to get thin because I like the alignment of what I eat, how I feel and how I dress. I like this place where I fed but not full, I’m energized but not nauseated. I like that things feel lighter and that the only decision is uppon what I want and how I feel dressing, or where I feel going.
For disclaimer, I’ve got to this place even now when I’ve gained some weight – it’s more in your mind than it seems. Nevertheless, it is good to be lighter and more aligned in proportion to what I really need.

from time to time, I find it very hard to be myself

I find myself comparing me to others, I find myself drowning in self-doubt.

I strive to listen to my own desire as I shut it down. I strive to impose my voice as I quietly say ok to what I don’t want to. I wander about the fact that I’m entlitled my life and my greatness, as I use comparing mechanisms that only take from me my self importancy.

I get scared of how things might turn out. I get scared I might be loosing my life.

Well I… think I am when I sign off of what I want – maybe for fear that following my desires, as once was, would be prisioning as well. I fear my own time is a wrong time, I fear my own wish is a mistaken wish.

For the fear of the over-hardly striving, I signed off of any trying. Any attempt scared me. I’ll try to see. But one thing I am sure, not being is not the way to be.

in between two

but actually behind all.

in between two thoughts, you can see both

seeing both of thoughts but not a third, you know you are of something else

in between thoughts is the first place to… beyond all thoughts.

Other you flow in nature other you battle a way in mind

You seek the truth that cannot be found there.

In comparaison, judgements and strategies, you get lost on moving on. As far you go, as far you make it coherent – but not necessarily true.

It nurrishes it self in circles until it’s all twisted nots {nós cegos | we blinds}.

You’ll strive to trace you way back, but you’ll enter the same wrong roads, cross the same wrong questions, follow the same wrong counter-ideas, and hit at the same wrong walls… but eventually you’ll start to see their wrongness.

Not with your mind, but with what is beyond.

Then… it will tell your mind.

Soon or latter, you’ll learn to untrust your mind and to trust your nature.

Soon or latter, everything – or as much as it can be – unseen will be seen in the light… and will have no longer the power to lead you if you do not allow it to.

Once you see with your nature that a bad road is a bad road, your mind, your gracefull mind, with it’s twisted thoughts and ways and judgements, will no longer be able to convince you to go through it.

And then… it will be able to re-learn about life and about you.

You shall be strong, you shall be gentle, you shall be firm, you shall trust, you shall not give in… Until you shall… give in, you shall untrust, you shall be soft, you shall be confused and you shall be weak.

For all it’s ways, learning to unsee and to see are too of the same flourishing flowers in me.

In the soils of me, I learn to go deep, cure, appreciate and to cultivate.

From there, I want to see.

Beyond there, I want to know I am.

Integrity

continuity and uncontinuity of things
as it may or may not, but what it is
of continuity and uncontinuity of things
I lay and see
I know mostly nothing even about me

The desire to control
unsets me free
The need to be
takes the life as it is away from me
a goal for perfection
fails until fails everything and fails me

not of beauty or uglyness
not of right or wrong
I get my notions and directions out of fear and fear scares me to keep on going endlessly to the end where I find
that surrender is the only way to be.

I fall short of the expectations of me
I refuse now even any pride or joy in what I did in deed be
for the same road is the same road and will always be

I might fall short of the expectations of me
but I never fall anywhere any far from me
life might not be anything I see
but it never ceases to be.

Nothingness . No . Thing . Ness.

I felt short of the space between thoughts.
I got myself caught in the prison of joy.
I floated myself from where things just were.
I decided over decisions of things that never will be and never were before.
Between right and wrong, I wanted the most precisely right. The perfect of every perfection. The ultimately changed to no more.
But as you change, you change more. As you go, you go further. As you perfection, you perfectionalyse every aspect of every thing in every corner.

Things are perfect not for they’ve been changed in all they had to be. Things are perfect because they have not to be changed.

Different is no better. Different is no worse. Time is not so small. I am.

Be patiente with yourself – that’s all you are

First, you decide that nothing might harm your peace, like a little bubble inside of you that remains all-in-itself perfect and imperfectly it-self-only.

And then, as life opens up, for all it’s wonders and ways, everything that passes you by will meet you and your peace along. Feels complete and full, as well empty and light.

Nothing demands it, nothing wants it to be affected. In fact, in the purest state of things and of you… peace is all there is. As however things shall be. As however you already are.

Peace is the place where you are only yourself and things are only themselves and everything is precisely as it is. Peace is the one and only truth. Peace is – like the book – the one taste of truth.

Peace is a bubble, a color, a light, and a warm or cold feeling on your hands or mouth that reminds you of the present and the being.

Today as I had to comfort a friend I found my peace very easily… I’ll never let it unseen again, it shall not be, it’s not asked to be, it’s not of it to be.

I’ll do all I shall
In the way I find
It makes me happy
Or tranquil
With my peace all along
My way
and Love.

{Just realized Peace and Pace are very similliar… words. feelings. things.}